Enemies List Vol. 5

Welcome back, NESWers, to your weekly burst of rancor from your old pal DMtShooter, moonlighting from Five Tool Tool. Every week on Monday, the most hateful day of the week, you can chew on some tasty dislike; we call it the Enemies List. And with that, let?s go straight to the hate.

5) Michael Vick. No, not for the obvious reasons of the dogfighting, the ridiculous amount of damage that he did to the Falcons, the bad places that he put African-American relations or anything else you want to go on about. I’ll keep this simple: I have Donovan McNabb in a fantasy league. I was in a do-or-die playoff matchup this week. I had a starting QB on a pass-happy team that was going against a terrible defensive secondary. And what do I get for my trouble? A measely 25 pass attempts — seriously, for the Eagles under Andy Reid, that’s a half — and just one more touchdown than Vulture Vick racked up. Unacceptable!

It would be one thing — a not very good thing, but a thing — if Vick had actually been worth a damn this year. Then, I’d have had some advance warning, and might have gone in another direction, maybe with Alex Smith against Seattle, Jason Campbell against the Saints, or Chad Henne against the Patriots. But no… instead, we get the feel-good laundry moment of the year.

Well, screw you, Vick, and screw you, Andy Fantasy Hating Reid. And a bonus screw you to McNabb, for seeming happy about the whole damn thing. Don’t you people understand the damage you’ve done here?

4) Tim Donaghy. I’d say this guy was scum, but I don’t want to offend scum by associating it with Donaghy. Independent of your feelings about the NBA — and I know there are some world-class Association haters out there in Blogfrica — what you have with Donaghy is a plain and simple criminal who is profiting, yet again, from his crimes with his tell-all book. The fact that there are people willing to buy his book, media that might actually publicize it (oh, crap, that’s probably me as well now), and a publishing house that would want to associate themselves with him…

Of course, to listen to the man, he could make winning picks while reffing the games fairly.� And for CBS to let him dress up in clothes he didn’t get in prison, and put the blame on some random Mob Guys as to why it all went so wrong. It doesn’t matter that his fingerprints are all over the Spurs-Suns screwjob series that Steve Nash will be thiking about on his deathbed, or that he’s given aid and comfort to every closet racist and hoop hater that live to tell me how much they hate something I love.

Well, I’m not really sure what the corollary to this would be. Maybe a happy little media circus for Rudolf Hess, or Charles Manson, or John Gotti. Hear the other side, as my old political science teacher would say. Let’s hear more from the evil bastards, the clear degenerates, the parasites that seek only to exploit and destroy. After all, Donaghy is now the most famous referee in pro sports history, and it’s all about being famous now, right?

3) Greg Oden. I spent six months in Oregon on a job that went bad, the last three of which were spent free-lancing out of the house, not having health insurance, and trying to get the hell out of the area as fast as I possibly could. It’s a beautiful place if (a) you really, really like white people, to the exclusion of all others, and (b) if you’ve got the bank to stay. Otherwise, it’s a rain-tastic place where the strip malls are everywhere, everyone is creepily content, and you feel like you could get a contact marijuana high from any public service. It doesn’t wear well, and you can see why the state has moved further than any other towards legal euthanasia.

Which leads us, quite easily, to Greg Oden.

The other night, the Blazers’ center and relentlessly tragic figure blew out his patella tendon in a home game against the Rockets, ending his 2009-10 season. Now, I know that Oden has no culpability in this; the man seems for all the world to be a good guy with a genuine sense of humor. But the sooner the team realizes that he’s an absolute anvil from a karmic standpoint, as well as a perpetual reminder of what they could have had (Kevin Durant might be the best young player in the world, and an absolute lock to be a reason to go to the games for a decade or more), the better. The die is cast, and while I’m sure that he’ll come back from this. Just as sure that he’ll wind up going away again soon after.

2) Eric Mangini. Making the Enemies List requires a couple of things. You should personally offend and be an obvious detriment to the species. It also helps if everyone hates you for cause. And lastly, it’s got to be topical. The ManGenius pulled off all three of these today, and it’s probably one of his better weeks.

Fellow hater, I don’t know what your opinion of Notre Dame is, and I don’t much care. College football just isn’t one of those things that I pay attention to. But I’m pretty sure that, absent some kind of war crime or previous life as one of those Nazis that really enjoyed his work, Browns QB Brady Quinn deserves to play in an offense that allows the QB to throw the ball more than three yards downfield. When Mangini ran the Jets, we all thought that this fetish was just his way of making Chad Pennington look like an NFL quarterback, and it was adorable. Unfortunately for Mangini, even the most rudimentary scouting job makes that kind of offense DOA. Even worse, it makes it an eye rape… and your turds somehow fought the Chargers to the final gun today and covered the point spread. Horrifying. On every level.

1) Hank Williams Jr. I’d like to see us progress as a species, really. And I’m pretty sure that we can’t do that until we stop singing wanktastic songs about watching a freaking game. You don’t even get to stare at Faith Hill’s barely concealed twat here, either. Please, someone, test this man’s DNA and tell me that he’s someone else’s kid. Anyone’s, really.

Fellow haters, that?s all I got. See you next week for some more hate?