Welcome back, NESWers, to your weekly burst of rancor from your old pal DMtShooter, moonlighting from Five Tool Tool. Every week you can chew on some tasty dislike; we call it the Enemies List. And with that, let?s go straight to the hate.
5) Fantasy football murderers. Two years ago in August, I made the astute choice of Kurt Warner for my backup QB. One quick injury to Tom Brady later, and Cap’n Jebus was my fantasy hero, a cheap keeper with big production that let me contend for money. Except for one problem; he, like the rest of the Cardinals, choked during the fantasy playoffs, with a terrible day at New England being the chief culprit for a close but not quite finish out of the money.
This year, the Cardinals have been just a better team, so we were hoping big for a payday. They also had an absolue cake schedule during the stretch, with games against San Francisco and Detroit showing up as Highly Promising. So what happens? An absolute disaster of a turnover game against the Niners, and a much less than get even effort today against the atrocious Lions, with the running game poaching a couple of touchdowns, and multiple turnovers. I’m also certain, at this point, that they underperform against the Rams next week somehow, maybe with Warner taking a preventative benching since they’ve more or less got the fourth seed locked down, and old men need their rest, or something.
(And I’d also like to extend a special thank you to Jets kicker Jay Feely, who missed two field goals as part of a Jets offensive “effort” that say seven points from five trips to the red zone. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing that he killed the Jets season along with mine. Oh, and extra smooches and hugs to QB Aaron Rodgers, who killed my team’s hopes last week, then had his best game of the year in the league where I was facing him this week. Die, die, die.)
You, of course, have your own murderers, whether they did you in months ago (any Bear), a week ago (Rodgers) or this week. It’s one thing to lose in fake football, since� that happens all the time, and if it hurts too bad, you are playing the wrong game. It’s quite another when your own guy has the fingerprints on the knife in your back… and you’re likely to have him do it *again* to you next year, which is what I get to do with Warner, since his contract value is probably going to be too low for me to not keep him again next year. Gahhhh.
4) Randy Lerner. The Cleveland Browns owner hired the atrocious Eric Mangini at the start of the season as part of a long and growing history of messing up big decisions. Now, he’s hiring Mike Holmgren, who was last seen being put on an ice floe after making the Seahawks the new Cardinals. Just how exactly does this work, really? And how should the angry mob of Browns Fans dispose of your remains — tearing limb from limb, or just through the use of cleansing fire?
Here’s a small hint to the odious Lerner; if you want to have a solid talent acquisition manager, you might not want to give the keys to the guy that thought Shawn Alexander still had something in the tank, or decided that the best way to transition his team to greatness was to lame duck himself for his final year in the laundry. Then again, Holmgren did coach Brett Favre, so this kind of rough treatment of the laundry is to be expected, no?
3) Brett Hart. Hey, I’ve got an idea. Let’s combine two unpalatable things — ’80s nostalgia and the coverage of Not Sports in sports blogs — for the breathless news that the WWE is patching up their differences and bringing back legendary talent Bret “The Hit Man” Hart into the fold. It doesn’t matter that Hart recently suffered a stroke, might be unique amoung men of a certain age and that occupation to actually still be alive, or about as relevant to sports as any other, well, non-participant in a game, rather than an actor in an albeit dangerous performance. If there’s PR grease to be made, that’s all that matters here, right?
Look, if you like wrestling, great. I’ve gone on record as loving old-school ECW, and will confess to watching it for the soap opera as a kid and the camp value as an adult. I’m also aware that if you are in this business, it’s all a con game for marks to pay attention. But bringing back beaten-down guys from the distant past is sad on a lot of levels, not the least of which is that it got them exactly what they wanted — people like me noticing them again and writing about it. Gahhhh.
2)� Amtrak / New Jersey Transit. Your humble hater uses these services for the commute to the day job, and I can report that 36 hours after a snow storm stopped, they were still incapable of dealing with its effects on the world, with delays on both the morning and evening rides, canceled trains, faulty equipment, and the somehow making it worse “sincere apologies” as it’s all happening to you. It’s all caused, of course, by Amtrak, which doesn’t get the funding it needs to do what it needs to do much of anything, despite being the most used rail corridor in the richest nation on Earth, in an era where environmental sensibility and gasoline price jumps have caused a spike in ridership. One day, if we are very lucky, we’ll have a system that’s half as nice as something in the Third World.
You’d be amazed, really, how much an operation that deals in entirely outdoor transportation systems fails when it comes to any kind of weather; rain, snow, or for all I know, a stiff breeze can cause this freaking system to take a Newark Steamer on you. Today, the roadways were as dry as a bone, the sidewalks of New York City were ready for business, but the trains that llive or die in the elements? Fail, fail, fail. And people wonder why Americans hate public transportation. At least the Humbuggery got me in the mood to fill this column…
1) Brett Favre. This writer has been on record as against the Favre Hags all along, even with the borderline MVP numbers he had to start the year. After all, it’s not like last year in New York wasn’t a case of a hot start with a failed finish, that he hasn’t stabbed his fan base in the back during any number of playoff games, or that the constant quitting and media whoring doesn’t grate all over.
But now that the latest SNF turd in the punchbowl is fresh in the mouths of Viking Fan, and even the #2 seed is looking dicey, it’s time for the inevitable Coach Vs. His Farveness battle with Brad Childress playing the role of cuckold. Just wait until The Quitting Legend goes into a multiple pick horror job in a playoff game, with Childress thinking about going to a non-arm punter, and weighing that need against the fear of having Favre quit rather than work the job like a man. Purple Fan, you do realize that he’s got you by the short and curlies here, right? Enjoy that. He does.
Fellow haters, that?s all I got. See you next week…
Full story at http://neswsports.com/2009/12/22/the-enemies-list-vol-7/
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