The Enemies List Presents: Top 10 Next Muppet Videos

Hola, NESWers. It’s your old friend DMtShooter from Five Tool Tool working the hole in mid-February. Now is, bar none, the worst time of the year for sports bloggers, and the time when we all look to fill our blogs with something — dear God, anything — that might keep our minds off the pale sports substitutes on the docket, or the fact that it’s going to be something like 4 to 8 weeks until baseball, March Madness and playoff NBA hoop saves us from the ever-snowing horror that is Winter Without End. (True story: I’ve shoveled something like three feet of snow in the last month, then had a blizzard worth of ice from my roof fill my basement through overloaded and frozen gutters, costing me thousands and thousands of dollars in damages. In other news, the next person who tells me they like snow will find themselves eating it through several orifices.) And with that, let’s go straight to… Inappropriate Puppet Songs!

If you are like me, and good heavens, get that checked, you can’t get enough of the Muppets stretching their brand into new musical genres. Whether it’s Kermit going for Johnny Cash…

or a vast crew of them giving Queen the respect they deserve…

or even mon-sylabbic Beaker going all emo on us…

I’m just down with the clowning. So let’s figure out their next moves and kick the sports content down the road for another week, OK?

10. Gonzo and Chickens, Super Freak. There’s something not right about a purple bird with a horned beak and his constant need for performing poultry. Is he getting a little feather on the side? Once you go dark meat, you don’t go back.

9. Elmo, My Name Is Luka. Any parent who has ever had to endure the LA LA LA LA of this giggly orange freak has wondered about the relative merits and drawbacks of Muppet Murder, but maybe we can just content ourselves with a rollicking bit of continuing abuse. Just don’t sing anymore…

8. Miss Piggy, You Oughta Know. What is this prissy piece of pork but a woman that’s always on the edge of being scorned? Kermit’s clearly just going here until something better comes along, mostly because while everyone knows bacon is bad for you, it’s also surprisingly flexible.

7. Swedish Chef, Mr. Blue Sky. ELO always sounds better when the vapid lyrics don’t get in the way of the soaring melodies, and if there’s one thing that the Chef can do (no, it’s not cooking), it’s transfer everything to a strange fluglehorn-ish upbeat mouth noise. Where did we go wrong?

6. Sam the Eagle - Born in the USA. The most pompous and putrid of all of the Muppet Show regulars needs to lend his ponderous baritone to this upbeat keyboard driven Springsteen classic, if only so that we can rescue it from its sad Ronald Reagan hijacking into the Vietnam War lament that it always should been. Go and kill the yellow man, you bird of prey…

5. Rizzo - Shock the Monkey. Leave it to the Muppets to minimize the memory of America’s most Mussolini-esque mayor (go read your history books, people) into a mostly useless supporting rat character. But hey, it’s never too early to get the kids thinking about Milgram or animal experimentation, is it?

4. Crazy Harry - Know Your Enemy. An admittedly obscure Muppet that’s probably never going to get his just media push in a post 9/11 world deserves his own drum-tastic anthem rocker from a band that doesn’t think too much of the effects of 9/11 either. Wave your dynamite in the air like you just don’t care!

3. Statler and Waldorf - Yesterday. Finally, the old coots in the balcony get their own star turn, if only to hear them stumble over the words like borderline Alzheimer’s candidates. Extra points to the Internets if they can have either of the beloved characters having trouble controlling their bladders, because if I’ve learned anything from movies and television, it’s that when old people can’t stop peeing themselves, that’s just Guaranteed Chuckles.

2. Cookie Monster - Mo Cookies Mo Problems. Time to throw some of that hippity-hopping that the kids are all into, and there’s no better way than to make the insatiable Cookie Monster take a turn as the Notorious B.I.G. So long as this doesn’t end up with Big Bird identiying with 2Pac, and a hail of shady killings rocking Sesame Street, we’re good. (Oh, who are we kidding? Reciprocal Muppet Murder would make Sesame Street Must See TV. Thug it up, you furry freaks!)

1. Bert and Ernie - Walk on the Wild Side. Finally, let’s make the colored puppets sing, with the most unlikely #1 hit ever. Besides, there’s something about Ernie that tells me that he’d never lose his head, even when he was… and that’s all we’ve got time for this week, folks!