The Enemies List Presents: Top Five Hateful Sports Gomers

Hola, NEWSers. This week your old friend DMtShooter from Five Tool Tool was reminded of hockey for the first time in years, thanks to the gold medal game between the U.S. and the Canadians. And it reminded me of my time as a teenaged hockey gomer (aka, a single sport ubernerd), with gear that was wildly beyond my abilities, and all too much intensity about everything involved in the game… so how irritating were we, really? Let’s break it down.

5) Classic Arcade Gamer Gomer. You can watch this trailer and think that Billy Mitchell is the biggest tool in the world.

But after you’ve seen this movie, you realize that there are bigger tools. Those would be the Billy Mitchell lackeys. (And seriously, check this film out. It’s actually pretty great.)

4) Darts Gomer. To the rest of us, darts is something to do while getting drunk, so you can add a little suspense to your drunkenness, since you are holding something that could put someone’s eye out. And if you are into this (the Shooter brother in law throws), you usually have the sense to keep it to yourself, since everyone else just looks at you funny.

But then there are the Brits. Who actually, um, televise this stuff. And watch it, and care. So if you ever need a reason to feel superior to the limeys, just bring up darts. And the utterly over-the-top commentary. I’m not sure this is still English, and there’s only one word for it: magic.

3) Hockey Gomer. Is there a more aggro way for a mildly athletic white guy with way too much money tied up in gear to show his gangsta tough ways than rec league hockey? No, of course not. But at least some of the time, karma shows up in fun and obvious ways.

And since the sport is so near and dear to my heart, here’s a bonus clip. You’ve got to love a sport where even the fans fail, really.

2) Poker Gomer. This hurts, since I play, host a game, and watch too much of this nonsense. But there is no bigger tool on the planet, pound for pound, then the bad beat whiner in a poker tournament.

So take it away, Phil Hellmuth! The fact that you’ve made an ungodly amount of money from being awful in public, in ways that would get the snot beaten out of you in any home game on the planet, is an unquestioned positive for the game! (And if you somehow stick to the end of the clip, you see the whole problem, really…)